Not Real
by RubyisSherlocked
Summary: It has been a year since John saw Sherlock and he is worst than ever. He pulls the gun from his jacket pocket and holds it to his head.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

_It's not the same; even after a year. It's not the same without you._

_I thought I could try to forget… but I can't. You were my best friend… you are my best friend, and that will never stop._

_I wish I could tell you everything, what I'm doing with my life. You can't see this can you? What I write. What I say. What I think._

_Well it's always you._

_I haven't stepped in that flat since the day that you… went, and I never will. All those beautiful memories, I can't ruin them now._

_I remember the time that you said that you appreciated the stars, I always remember that and so each night I look up at them, hoping that you are looking at them too. Like a bond of magic is holding us together._

_But you are gone aren't you? You will never come back. You can't look at those stars the way that I can._

_Molly is doing well, she misses you like all of us but she doesn't seem quite as hard hit as we all are, like she knows your alive still. But your not. That's just her imagination._

_Mrs Hudson checks on me once a week, just to see how I'm coping; I'm not doing any better. Every night I have nightmares of you falling, you don't stop falling, down you plunge, closer and closer to the ground where you will meet your end. Your coat floating behind you and your hair flying in front of your eyes. Your eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes which I can always remember seeing tears escape when you stood on that ledge._

_That's when I wake up._

_That's when it stops._

_You aren't a fake. You are real._

_I have to see you again. I have to. I can't go on any longer. It's not fair._

_I love you._

_This is my note Sherlock,_

_Goodbye,_

_John x_

I pull on my jacket and slip the letter into my right pocket, I turn around to see a plain room which I made plain so that I can try to forget about him, but I can't and I limp towards the door.

If I'm going to die. I want to die in a familiar place. 221B.

I step out of the taxi and look up at my old home, Mrs Hudson still lives here, I don't know how she can bear it. I knock on the door and she answers, she looks shocked to see that I am here.

"I have to do something" I say, she nods and lets me in.

As I walk into the hallway memories of Sherlock and I flood my mind and my body and I can't breathe properly, but I head towards the stairs. I have to do this. I have to today.

I slip my old key into the door and turn it slowly, and as the door creaks open I take in everything. Sherlock's chair, the wall, the skull, the science equipment, everything. I shut the door behind me and limp towards Sherlock's room. It's locked but I want the note to be kept there so I kiss the envelope and slide it under the door.

I make my way back to the lounge and pull the gun from my pocket, this is the end, the end of my suffering, I will be with Sherlock from now on.

I hold it to my head and breathe deeply as I take in my surroundings one last time. My finger rests on the trigger and then I hear footsteps coming from behind me.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

"I'm sorry John" Sherlock's voice echos in my head. It's not real. Not real. He is dead.

That's when I see his face in front of mine, those eyes, filled with tears again.

"Not real, not real, not real" I murmur, shutting my eyes tight and clasp my hand round the gun again for better grip as my hand starts to shake uncontrollably. My heart is pounding in my chest, so much that I can't breathe again.

Sherlock's hand brushes my cheek and it feels so real, so true, I look up as his blue eyes pour into my soul.

"Put the gun down John" He says and pushes the gun away from my head.

Tears flood my eyes and Sherlock places one hand on either side of my face and whispers into my ear.

"I love you too, John Watson" He pulls his lips away and stares at me for a minute. I can't believe it, but why? Why would he do that? Why would he not tell me? I push myself from his grasp, his face drops instantly.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me? A YEAR SHERLOCK!" I'm shouting at him now "A GOD DAMN YEAR!"

Sherlock stares at me in confusion, his eyes flickering in the light, as he backs away from me. He looks scared for the first time ever but I don't care. I continue to shout at him.

"I… I… John… I'm… I'm sorry… I had to…" What? He had to? My body tenses up at the words and at that moment Mrs Hudson bursts through the door and stares in shock at Sherlock, and I still continue to shout at him.

"YOU HAD TO? HAD TO! Liar. I can't even look at you" Sherlock takes a swipe at my arm to stop me but I move it out the way before he can touch me. I storm out of the room, I don't limp for some weird reason but that is not what I should be thinking about at this moment.

When I arrive back home, I slam the door behind me and fall to my knees, holding my head in my hands while tears fall through the gaps between my fingers, Sherlock is alive. Alive. I should be happy. But how could he not tell me? What was going through his head that day? Did I not mean anything to him? Do I not mean anything to him?


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

I look up to a familiar face. Molly. She has a spare key from all the times she has visited and I refused to move.

"I had to check on you, I know you must be confused but…" I interrupt her before she can say another word.

"Confused? CONFUSED?" I jump up from the floor "He is supposed to be dead. He should have told me that he was alive"

"But…" Molly insists.

"NO! He shouldn't have don't that!"

"But…"

"BUT WHAT?" Molly doesn't speak for a while, she only stares. I realise what I've done and quickly apologise.

Molly explains Sherlock's situation; Moriarty, the threats, the escape. I just sit there and stare, mesmerised by the words coming from her mouth. I do feel slightly bad for shouting at him now. I feel like an idiot, it was a bloody clever plan anyway, but it always would be wouldn't it? It's Sherlock… Of course it would be. Maybe I should go and apologise, he was trying to save me after all, but I will never be the same from now on. It's just that I can't help thinking that it was just another experiment on me like when he pretended that I was in the same room as that hound.

"… that's why he couldn't tell you John. He loves you." It's weird to hear her say that. This was the person who you could obviously see had a crush on Sherlock once but now it is like she has forgotten every other feeling towards him apart from friendship. Sherlock loves me, and I love Sherlock and she knows that.

I stand up, nod at her and say thank you. I head towards the door knowing not what to say, but what to do.

As I arrive at the house, a cold breath of air tickles my neck, like the world has been drained of happiness.

I knock on the door and a red faced Mrs Hudson opens it. You can see the tear lines on her cheeks she has obviously been crying at the fact that Sherlock is alive.

"JOHN! Come quickly!" her voice in panic "Sherlocks had a breakdown. He destroyed the everything and ran to his room like a child. God only knows what kind of suicide options he has in there…" But before she can finish, I am leaping up the steps as fast as I can, fear filling my body. When I open the door I realise that Mrs. Hudson was right, he HAS destroyed everything and not just a couple of gunshots to the wall this time. It's like a bomb has been detonated in here. He has ripped the wallpaper from the wall, pulled all the books off the shelves, flipped the table, thrown the science equipment at the wall, and smashed his skull photo into tiny pieces.

I run to his room and it's unlocked so where is he?

"SHERLOCK! SHERLOCK!" My heart is pounding in my chest so hard. I mean, I only just got him back but the thought of losing him again terrifies me.

He isn't here… not in my room. Where? I frantically ring his phone number, I have kept it in my phone forever just that I could have the reassurance that he may one day text me… or not.

He doesn't pick up until the very last second.

"SHERLOCK! Sherlock where are you?"

"I'm on the roof."

No. Not again. Not like this.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

The door to the roof it ajar… I can't think. I can't breath. I can't believe that this happening again.

And there he is. Standing by the edge, but this time he doesn't have a phone in his hand. This time it is his violin. He is playing a tune on it, I recognise it. He worked it out on the violin years ago. It is 'The Water' by Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling, he used to play it when he was angry, it calmed him. How I have missed it.

For the first time ever I can hear him sing the soft melody, his voice at just the right pitch, never realising the words were so powerful…

_Now deeper the water I sail_

_And faster the current I'm in_

_That each night brings the stars_

_And the song in my heart _

_Is a tune for the journeyman's tale_

_The water sustains me without even trying_

_The water can't drown me I'm done_

_With my dying_

He continues to play as if he hadn't realised that I had arrived.

I have missed him so much, I have to say something… But what? I walk towards him slowly and lower the violin from his chin, he stares at me wide eyed. The look of fear still etched onto his face, as if I am going to shout some more. But I don't. I just pull him from the edge and bury my head in his chest, weeping like a child.

"John. I am so sorry…" I look up into his deep blue eyes.

"You don't have to apologise Sherlock, I am sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you. I should have listened to everything you were going to say. I have missed you like hell and the idea that, that could of been avoided just… frustrated me but it couldn't be avoided could it? At least Moriarty is dead now. Gone. We can go back to the way things were…" I trailed off.

"But I don't want to go back to the way things were John." Sherlock said. "I want to go forwards. Not backwards. I love you John Watson."

I just stared for a while. He loves me, and for that moment I forgot about all of the hurt and pain that I had to deal with for a year, and focused on the love that is true now.

"I love you too Sherlock Holmes"

His eyes burned into my heart, and he slowly slid his hands round my back and held me tightly. All I can hear is his heavy breath as his chest rises slowly and the sound of his heart beat; for almost a second I can swear that I heard it skip one.


End file.
